By request from today's Gang of Four

I HATE CATS --- A POEM BY BRIAN WILSON

I THINK MOST WOULD CALL ME AN AGREEABLE FELLOW

LIVE AND LET LIVE -- YOU MIGHT CALL ME MELLOW.

BUT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS I TRY TO AVOID

JUST ONE OR TWO THINGS THAT GET ME ANNOYED.

I DO NOT LIKE NUTS IN COOKIES OR CAKES.

REMEMBER THIS PLEASE THE NEXT TIME YOU BAKE.

MY HATRED OF SNAKES IS VERY WELL KNOWN

I DON’T LIKE TO TALK A LONG TIME ON THE PHONE

I BEG YOU PLEASE – DON’T MAKE ME WAIT IN A LINE

DON’T GIVE ME BLACK LICORICE … THOUGH THE RED STUFF IS FINE.

I DO NOT LIKE BUGS OR SPIDERS AT ALL

AND I DON’T CARE FOR MAYORS WHO ARENT VERY TALL.

AND I’M SORRY … OKAY? I DO NOT LIKE CATS

IN MUCH THE SAME WAY I DON’T LIKE LIVER OR RATS

I THINK THEY ARE SNEAKY --- I THINK THEY’RE POSSESSED

THEY POUNCE ON YOUR HEAD CAUSING CARDIAC ARREST

AND IF I’M ALLOWED ONE MOMENT OF CANDOR

I SNEEZE AND ITCH WHEN EXPOSED TO THEIR DANDER.

AND PLEASE DON’T FORGET THE WORST THING OF ALL

IS WHEN THEY COUGH UP A SLIMY HAIR BALL.

IF I HATE YOUR CAT, CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?

OR IS THIS THE POINT WHERE OUR FRIENDSHIP ENDS?

FROM THE MAIL I RECEIVED IT SEEMS CAT OWNERS HAVE VOTED

AND YOUR OBJECTION TO MY HATRED OF CATS IS … DULY NOTED.