I HATE CATS --- A POEM BY BRIAN WILSON
I THINK MOST WOULD CALL ME AN AGREEABLE FELLOW
LIVE AND LET LIVE -- YOU MIGHT CALL ME MELLOW.
BUT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS I TRY TO AVOID
JUST ONE OR TWO THINGS THAT GET ME ANNOYED.
I DO NOT LIKE NUTS IN COOKIES OR CAKES.
REMEMBER THIS PLEASE THE NEXT TIME YOU BAKE.
MY HATRED OF SNAKES IS VERY WELL KNOWN
I DON’T LIKE TO TALK A LONG TIME ON THE PHONE
I BEG YOU PLEASE – DON’T MAKE ME WAIT IN A LINE
DON’T GIVE ME BLACK LICORICE … THOUGH THE RED STUFF IS FINE.
I DO NOT LIKE BUGS OR SPIDERS AT ALL
AND I DON’T CARE FOR MAYORS WHO ARENT VERY TALL.
AND I’M SORRY … OKAY? I DO NOT LIKE CATS
IN MUCH THE SAME WAY I DON’T LIKE LIVER OR RATS
I THINK THEY ARE SNEAKY --- I THINK THEY’RE POSSESSED
THEY POUNCE ON YOUR HEAD CAUSING CARDIAC ARREST
AND IF I’M ALLOWED ONE MOMENT OF CANDOR
I SNEEZE AND ITCH WHEN EXPOSED TO THEIR DANDER.
AND PLEASE DON’T FORGET THE WORST THING OF ALL
IS WHEN THEY COUGH UP A SLIMY HAIR BALL.
IF I HATE YOUR CAT, CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?
OR IS THIS THE POINT WHERE OUR FRIENDSHIP ENDS?
FROM THE MAIL I RECEIVED IT SEEMS CAT OWNERS HAVE VOTED
AND YOUR OBJECTION TO MY HATRED OF CATS IS … DULY NOTED.